Ask a Headcount-Realignment Specialist

Dear H.R. Specialist:

I have just lost my job in auto sales after fourteen years. I have three children and a wife to support. Because the payments on my house tripled over the last year, I have depleted my savings. Owing to the subprime meltdown, my investments, including my retirement, are worth next to nothing. I’m afraid that I will not be able to feed my children. I’m forty years old and at my wit’s end. What should I do?

Ryan in Ohio

Dear Ryan:

What an exciting opportunity you have! Twenty years ago, we spoke of your generation at Gen-X. Now, you are Gen-Xtra! Xtra time and Xtra motivation!
Use that Xtra time to look for food in unconventional places. When we think of the “downwardly mobile,” we often picture the hoboes of the 1930s, with ratty clothes and unshaven faces. I’m sure, however, that you have a closet full of dress clothes left over from your career. Use them to your advantage! For instance:

* Check your local paper for funerals. There is usually at least one funeral per day in any decent sized town. After the funeral there is almost always a wonderful meal, usually prepared by a local church. Go to the funeral and the meal! Not only will you and your family eat well but you will also remember that there are worse things than being unemployed. Such as dead! Remember to be vague in your condolences to the family, to follow the crowd to the meal, and to have your wife carry a plastic bag in her purse for leftovers to eat later.

* In my town of twenty-thousand, there is at least one church or synagogue hosting a pitch-in lunch or supper every Saturday or Sunday. Keep in mind that they don’t know if you brought food or not. Even if they do, they will probably not say anything to you, especially if they are Methodists. If something is said, remind them that Jesus said his followers would never go hungry. Don’t say that in the synagogue, though. And, don’t forget the leftovers!

* Finally, always be on the lookout for fish fries, pancake suppers and the like. The food is always good and, owing to the volunteer staffs, it is extremely easy to eat without paying a dime! Just walk in and get in line for food!

Dress for success and you will always get a good meal. Remember, if you look like you belong there, you do!

Dear H.R. Specialist:

My company just announced that there will be no holiday bonuses this year. I count on my bonus to pay for my kids’ Christmas presents. They are only five and seven, so I can’t just skip Christmas. How am I supposed to provide for my children?

Annie in Maine

Dear Annie:

First of all, congratulations on having a job and thank you (and all of you other hardworking Americans who remain employed) for showing up to work each day and filling in the cracks left by the recent waves of headcount realignments! Stay productive!
I have always firmly believed that the best Christmas is a homemade Christmas. Can you whittle? If so, whittle some arms, legs and facial features out of limbs (which are available for free in any park, often laying on the ground), add a potato and – voila – it’s Spud Man! Sock puppets, popcorn balls and even string make for great gifts. Just add a little imagination! Office supplies can also be great toys, such as paperclips or copier paper. Learning origami would be a blast! Just don’t get caught!


Dear H.R. Specialist:

I’m living in a box near the beach. I used to make six figures. Can things get any worse?

Ralph in Florida

Dear Ralph:

Worse!?! Are you kidding? I’d kill for beachfront property! You’re not down-and-out, you’re out-and-about with all the seafood you can catch and eat. I bet you have a great tan!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A note to all of my loyal readers: Have you ever noticed all of the canned good collection bins outside of supermarkets? Think of them as mini-groceries! I know that I can never get enough of canned corn!

Next week’s column: Unconventional clothing, using the E.R. as a family doctor, and careers in scrap collection.


© 2008 John D. Pierce

On the Origin of the Fish Fry

This is the story of a guy named Jonah and how he came to be associated with fish fries throughout the Midwest. Maybe in the Northeast, South, and West as well. I don’t know for sure. My research budget was rather limited.

In the Midwest, and maybe elsewhere (see above), it is common for service organizations, schools, fire departments and other civic minded groups–not to be confused with civet minded groups, who usually congregate near zoos–to sponsor meals consisting of fried fish and side dishes. In the singular, such a meal is called a “fish fry,” which is from the Latin, of course. Not content with the seemingly self-explanatory moniker “fish fry,” however, many groups go a step further. It is not uncommon, which means the same thing as “it is common” (see above), for the name “Jonah” to be added in front of “fish fry,” creating a new entity, the “Jonah fish fry.”

At this point I would like for you to refer to my pamphlet “Jonah: His Life, Legacy and Impact on Modern Food-Based Fund Raising” for some background on Jonah. “Like” is the operative word. Approximately six months ago, while preparing to write this article, I approached the good people running this magazine with the simple proposition that my pamphlet (see above) be distributed to the subscribers to this magazine at least two weeks prior to the mailing date of the issue in which this article appears. Additionally, I thought it reasonable that the pamphlet be made available free wherever this magazine is sold, provided that those who took it signed a binding pledge to purchase the issue of the magazine in which this article appears or return the pamphlet to the publisher using the postage paid envelope stuck inside.

As you are probably well aware, the good folks at this magazine did not, in fact, provide you, gentle reader, with the pamphlet prior to publication. Therefore, with the exception of the 150 or so people who received the copies that I was able to distribute in front of the tanning salon the other day, you are thrown into this article lacking the deep understanding of Jonah that would make this article so enriching and edifying.

If you would like to stop now and give me a call, I would be happy to read the pamphlet to you over the telephone. If not, please continue, keeping in mind that there are subtleties that you will never, ever, ever–not in a million years–understand.

To drastically oversimplify, Jonah was a guy who lived in Bible times. He didn’t do something that God wanted him to, so God had him swallowed up by a big fish. God eventually made the big fish spit Jonah back up. If you happen to be one of the lucky few with my pamphlet, please reference the section regarding the Orwellian implications of the Jonah story.

This is where the story gets interesting. The Dead Sea Scrolls, found in caves on the West Bank, describe what happened afterwards. Being somewhat of an amateur biblical scholar, I have translated several passages that I found reprinted on the back of a placemat at Ye Wayward Children House of Pancakes down at the State Road 38 exit off of the interstate. The pamphlet contains photographs of both the placemats and the sausage and hashbrown pancake wrap that I usually order. It really is too bad about the pamphlets.

As an aside, my wife told me that I am not qualified to translate the Dead Sea Scrolls–said that I need a degree in ancient languages. I was ready for that. I threw the old “Woman be still” line from the New Testament right back at her. Combined with a few other alleged incidents, that is the reason that I now have to speak to her through her lawyer.

What I found in the Dead Sea Scrolls is a tale that not only explains the origin of the Jonah fish fry, but a beautiful tale of improvised food preparation that was inexplicably edited out of the Torah and, later, the Old Testament.

The story that I found reads as follows:

Upon being spit out of the belly of the great fish, Jonah gathered around him a multitude of the faithful. After bathing first, of course, for Jonah smelleth of the belly of a fish, not an especially pleasant smell, especially considering the number of days and nights that Jonah spent in there, with little to do but sleep and beggeth God to get him out of the belly of the fish.

Low and behold, Jonah sayeth unto the multitude “those of ye with names [endnote 1] beginning with the letters A through F [endnote 2], getteth knives and cutteth up the fish into small squares of edible flesh. G through M, maketh a batter out of cornmeal, milk and eggs, and dippeth the fish squares into the batter until it is fully coated. N through P, taketh the battered fish squares and cooketh them until golden brown and cooked through, then taketh the cooked fish squares and placeth them on buns. P through Q, maketh side dishes to serve with the fish sandwiches, such as cole slaw and potato salad. You may also wanteth to make a few pies [endnote 3] for dessert. The rest of thine, may it pleaseth God, sell the meals to those who hunger for and clean up the tables after they eateth so that others may satiate their hunger as well. In this way shall we raiseth enough money to erect a mosaic in the temple depicting my time in the belly of the fish to all who care to gaze upon it.”

The placemat cut off the rest of the story, but it logically follows that a great feast ensued. In my pamphlet, I describe in great detail some of the foods likely to have been served at the first Jonah fish fry, including delicious lemon squares, bread made with a beer batter, and ice tea. Additionally, in my pamphlet, I discuss the revolutionary ideas associated with the first Jonah fish fry, wherein it is entirely possible that the common working man–shepherd, fisherman, boatbuilder–sat down with the social elite–the Pharisees, priests and other old-timey bible-type leaders– wherein they ate a meal together at long tables in the rec hall of the temple. By my estimation, this was the beginnings of socialism– nearly two million years before Marx.

All of that was covered in my pamphlet, which, of course, most of you haven’t read. I am assuming that most of you will opt to call me and have the pamphlet read to you, but keep in mind that there is only one of me and millions of you. I believe that the process of reading the pamphlet to each of you will take nearly a month, if I leave time for meals and restroom breaks. So, if you don’t get me on the first try, keep calling back.


1. Of course, all of the Bible people had only one name. Last names were invented in 1611 as a means to distinguish between different individuals after an incident wherein a commoner named Geoffry was given 19,000 acres of land on the outskirts of London because he was mistaken for a nobleman who was also named Geoffry. The commoner was thereafter known as Geoffry Landed, and the nobleman as Geoffry DeFucked.

2. They didn’t use our letters, of course. They had their own bible-type letters back then.

3. In Bible times the word “pie” could mean nearly any dessert item, including cakes, cookies, fudge or even brownies, but never pudding. Pudding was reserved solely for the priests who would eat it in the presence of the ark of the covenant.



© 2008 John D. Pierce