Ask a Headcount-Realignment Specialist

Dear H.R. Specialist:

I have just lost my job in auto sales after fourteen years. I have three children and a wife to support. Because the payments on my house tripled over the last year, I have depleted my savings. Owing to the subprime meltdown, my investments, including my retirement, are worth next to nothing. I’m afraid that I will not be able to feed my children. I’m forty years old and at my wit’s end. What should I do?

Ryan in Ohio

Dear Ryan:

What an exciting opportunity you have! Twenty years ago, we spoke of your generation at Gen-X. Now, you are Gen-Xtra! Xtra time and Xtra motivation!
Use that Xtra time to look for food in unconventional places. When we think of the “downwardly mobile,” we often picture the hoboes of the 1930s, with ratty clothes and unshaven faces. I’m sure, however, that you have a closet full of dress clothes left over from your career. Use them to your advantage! For instance:

* Check your local paper for funerals. There is usually at least one funeral per day in any decent sized town. After the funeral there is almost always a wonderful meal, usually prepared by a local church. Go to the funeral and the meal! Not only will you and your family eat well but you will also remember that there are worse things than being unemployed. Such as dead! Remember to be vague in your condolences to the family, to follow the crowd to the meal, and to have your wife carry a plastic bag in her purse for leftovers to eat later.

* In my town of twenty-thousand, there is at least one church or synagogue hosting a pitch-in lunch or supper every Saturday or Sunday. Keep in mind that they don’t know if you brought food or not. Even if they do, they will probably not say anything to you, especially if they are Methodists. If something is said, remind them that Jesus said his followers would never go hungry. Don’t say that in the synagogue, though. And, don’t forget the leftovers!

* Finally, always be on the lookout for fish fries, pancake suppers and the like. The food is always good and, owing to the volunteer staffs, it is extremely easy to eat without paying a dime! Just walk in and get in line for food!

Dress for success and you will always get a good meal. Remember, if you look like you belong there, you do!

Dear H.R. Specialist:

My company just announced that there will be no holiday bonuses this year. I count on my bonus to pay for my kids’ Christmas presents. They are only five and seven, so I can’t just skip Christmas. How am I supposed to provide for my children?

Annie in Maine

Dear Annie:

First of all, congratulations on having a job and thank you (and all of you other hardworking Americans who remain employed) for showing up to work each day and filling in the cracks left by the recent waves of headcount realignments! Stay productive!
I have always firmly believed that the best Christmas is a homemade Christmas. Can you whittle? If so, whittle some arms, legs and facial features out of limbs (which are available for free in any park, often laying on the ground), add a potato and – voila – it’s Spud Man! Sock puppets, popcorn balls and even string make for great gifts. Just add a little imagination! Office supplies can also be great toys, such as paperclips or copier paper. Learning origami would be a blast! Just don’t get caught!


Dear H.R. Specialist:

I’m living in a box near the beach. I used to make six figures. Can things get any worse?

Ralph in Florida

Dear Ralph:

Worse!?! Are you kidding? I’d kill for beachfront property! You’re not down-and-out, you’re out-and-about with all the seafood you can catch and eat. I bet you have a great tan!

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A note to all of my loyal readers: Have you ever noticed all of the canned good collection bins outside of supermarkets? Think of them as mini-groceries! I know that I can never get enough of canned corn!

Next week’s column: Unconventional clothing, using the E.R. as a family doctor, and careers in scrap collection.


© 2008 John D. Pierce